True colors

It's crazy that a photo of someone can make you feel such an extreme emotion. Looking at this photo of someone that is not really a part of your life and feeling like somehow its your fault when really it's not. Wow...I am realizing more and more every day that something is wrong with me...I am extremely too much of a people pleaser. I feel like this stops me from fully showing my true emotions. I am too worried what others might think. I don't know how I got this way but thats how I am. I am Mr. Nice guy... Gah I hate that. I hate being the person that always says yes, the person that gets taken advantage of because they can read you like an open book...Back to that person, I can't help but think how I don't even know this person who is an important figure in one's life. At the same time I feel like I am hurting others by wishing I knew this person. There I go again thinking of others. Not to say that thinking of others is bad but sometimes, like in my case, I need to think about myself sometimes...

Speaking of me, my birthday is almost here. Not that I am really that excited. I keep going back and forth...I guess I am excited for the minor things about it...New drivers license, day off work...finally time with Ali is what I am most excited for. I could use some time with the love of my life.

On a random note, I want a washer and dryer. I think I also want to move when our lease is up here. I will always have a fondness for our first place but I think we can do better ;)

In other news, my tattoo is flaky and itchy haha. I think I will need to go get some touch up work done on it but it still looks great! I do not regret my decision. With it now I feel a little bit more bad ass. HA!

Anyways I think that is all for now...

Honeymoon in Japan...oh what a dream!

I got sucked in to the movie Pom Poko, a Hayao Miyazaki animated film. It was extremely strange but very thought provoking...It makes me feel like we should respect our land more and not take anything for granted. It also makes me really want to visit Japan. I would love to see both the historical lands of Japan with its temples and beautiful forests, and also the city part of Japan like Tokyo and Shibuya. It is on my list of things to do before I die, to visit Japan. The more I think about it, it would be extremely amazing if Ali and I could take our honeymoon in Japan! That would be simply amazing! Ah such a great idea! She would love the shopping and I would love the photo opportunities and just the thought of being in Japan. How amazing.

On other news I have gotten my key tattoo and I must say it turned out awesome! I am still getting used to seeing it, and it is a bit bigger than I had originally wanted but thats alright. If I had gone any smaller than I would have lost the detail. I love it though and it has everything I wanted in my tattoo and most of all I am glad that my favorite person in the world designed it for me (with my constant prodding and asking for specific details to be included).

Well its almost my 21st birthday and I still don't have an exact idea as to what my plan for getting wasted is going to be but I know I will be drinking haha.

I don't have much else to say right now, I am gonna pass out after I finish my sweet tea! haha I felt like having sweetened black tea tonight, how odd.

Good night

To care or not to care? ah whatever

So another day has passed and the world goes on. Today started out just like any other day, I woke up around noon and got up just before work to do nothing. I really don't need to be parading this information but at this very moment I really just don't care in complete honesty. My boss talked to me and told me that my DM (district manager) is concerned that my friendships with employees is getting in the way of my leadership. I think that is a load of shit. Well as to most things I can see where she would get the idea....well let me explain. I am considered "Mr. nice guy" at work. I know what my strengths and my weaknesses are. Once upon a time just before I became a shift this kid named Josh started at Starbucks. At the time I was excited to have a new friend, but little did I know that we would become best friends. After I became a Shift supervisor I learned that technically shifts are not suppose to hang out with Batista's outside of work, but our store was so close that it didn't seem to matter. I got some warnings so to say, about not letting my friendships affect my ability to lead at work. In my opinion I didn't think it was that bad. Looking back, now that Josh no longer works at sbux, I can see that maybe I let it affect me. At the time I would have taken a friendship like that over working at Starbucks, its a job and like they say "it's just coffee." As for right now I don't think I am letting any friendships at work affect my abilities to lead. I can honestly say that I work my ass off. I put a lot of effort into making other people happier than I am. I work through my lunches for the sake of getting out on time. I skip my lunch because I know there isn't enough time in the day if we want to get out on time. I feel like I communicate very well, I sell the product and I fulfill my job description. I don't know how else I can say or show that I do my job and I do it well. I may not be perfect but no body is. So what I can say is that I know the things that I need to improve upon and I am working on it. I need to stop trying to please others, because not everyone is going to be happy, so they need to get the fuck over it and move on. There is going to be a change in me, it will be difficult but I need to take a stand and apparently show that I am a leader. Apparently leaders cant be nice, and you can't be friends (that's not going to happen). I am sorry but if you can't have friends in your place of work, then whats the point of getting to know someone and being around them all the time if you can't get along with them? I am not saying you have to go out and party or eat or anything with these people but if you can't build relationships with the people that you might see more than your significant other or family...then there is a problem. Anyways I think I am repeating myself in different ways. On my drive home tonight I was thinking about this talk with my boss and it started to make me feel like others should feel bad for me, then I started think to hell with it and that I didn't care, then I started not knowing what to think. I am past it now for the most part, I know what action needs to be done and it will happen. I am just tired of work right now. I feel like I get the brash out of a lot of things...and all I can say is that I feel like hard work often times goes unnoticed at our store...I am beyond ready for something new. I used to really enjoy working at Starbucks but as of late it has become more and more obvious to me that it is a job. I am ready for a career.

On that note, last night I posted on facebook that I have a mix of young friends and older friends. Having younger friends makes me wish I were fresh out of high school and going to college and having fun. Having older friends makes me wish I were getting married. As for the marriage thing, which, might I add, a lot of people are prodding me to do, I have been thinking about it often. I would love for Ali and I to get married as there is no doubt in my mind we will be together the rest of our lives. It all goes back to that one thing, the topic of yesterdays blog...Money! I want to give her everything she wants and deserves. I want us to have an amazing wedding. I also need to talk to her Dad and ask for his daughters hand in marriage, as I am old-fashioned like that. I have been saying that I didn't want to get married until I could at least legally drink too and that will be soon! All the talk of settling down and buying a house and getting married used to annoy me but now the thought of it seems like a fantasy and a reality that I want more than a lot of other things right now.

On a lighter subject, I am extremely pleased to announce that I am ready for my next tattoo and am arranging a date. I can't wait! It is the only thing that I am looking forward to right now, and the fact that I am turning 21 and now can legally drink after a long day at work! Cuz God knows I could use some booze after some of these days!

Well that is all I have for now.

Out(.)(.) <---yupp those a boobs. Yeah I know...real mature, but Idgaf

Fresh Start

It's about time I start blogging again...I could sure use a new hobby or time killer if you will. Not that this is a new hobby, more like a fresh start on a long lost hobby. Now that Ali and I have moved on our own and we work almost complete opposite schedules most days, I find myself up all night while she is an early bird. It makes me sad but such is life I suppose. I have been feeling very off lately. I need change and I don't know where that change lies...I have been looking for a second job, not to replace Starbucks of course. I want to become a coffee master but...long story short "I may not be the right candidate." Whatever that means. This is going to sound extremely pathetic, especially after that last bit but, I feel like I shouldn't have dreams because they are impossible to reach. That may not be worded quite correct...I feel like the things I want in life are just not there for me, and if they are maybe I am not doing everything possible to reach them. I want to go back to school and this is an internal struggle that others semi warned me about but that still doesn't change the circumstances that surround the situation. You see it comes down to one thing that I just don't have, the root of all evil.

Money.

It's a love hate relationship and that my friends is why I am looking for a second job, not that I want one but I want money so I can actually move my life into progression instead of a stand still. My life is in a rut, its not bad by any means but I still get down because, yes I will say it, I am emotional. I listen to one song and it changes my mood entirely. I love music for that very reason though. It takes you to memories, good and bad. Sometimes when I listen to music its like watching a movie in my brain. I envision horror scenes a lot though. (weird huh?) I think about this one a lot; If I were to die in some kind of accident, how would the ones I love react? I think about how Ali would feel and it literally breaks my heart at how she would feel and the look on her face and it makes me cry. That is so strange I agree...I don't know why I think about that, it also goes along with the whole thinking about life after death and the whole God thing and I really can't stand to think about that at all, it really freaks me out!

So now that its a new year and I have yet to actually stick to my new years resolution, which was to eat better (actually eat 3 meals a day, I always skip breakfast!) and in the back of my head start working out again, I would like to add another one that I may be able to manage, haha. I would like to start reading more, anyone have any book suggestions? I think that the gym one could be fixed if I could get over going to the gym alone, but alas I have yet to. As for eating better that could be fixed if I actually got up at a decent time and that would be possible if I were in bed now instead of blogging! Ha! They are works in progress I suppose.

It is almost my birthday, my 21st to be exact. It is weird to think that about a year ago I got my first tattoo. Now I am thinking about my next one, which I have been begging Ali to design for the past year and in the last week we have made so much progress we are about done with it and I am ready to get it! I am extremely excited! It all comes back to the thing I dread the most, money. I know I don't need to spend money on a tattoo but that is why I am asking for anyone to chip in for my birthday. There are a million things I don't need, but whats the point of having money if you don't get to spend some on the things you want. As for Ali and I, we aren't doing too bad for money with our apartment and food and etc. I was really scared to move out but now that we are on our own it is bliss. I love being able to wake up next to the love of my life and spending evenings (that we actually have together) staying up watching movies and making milkshakes and doing anything we want to just cuz we can! I love it. Now I am looking forward to moving when our lease is up here, not that I don't like it here, because the way I see it, this was my first place, it will always have a fond place in my heart. :) I would just love to not have to spend my days off at the laundromat. You really don't realize what little things you take for granted until you don't have them, story of our lives right? Its funny that anyone thinks their life is different from any ones but the crazy thing is that there is a world full of people out there that the possibility of you being the only one to feel a certain way about something is completely out of question and reason. That was so deep. I think I will end on that note.

I feel good about this. I miss blogging, its nice to get things out in the open, even if no one else reads it.

Peace motha lickas